I hate that word, relapse. But I can’t find another word that would suffice.
Last month, I was on a high. I felt so happy, for about 3 weeks straight, I was walking with a hop in my step. I would wonder out loud about why I was on such a high. Nothing could break my bubble. Getting a 70 on my test didn’t even bring me down.
Then, around the beginning of last week, I started to feel weird.
I started to feel really down. I felt like the whole world was shrinking. I felt like I honestly couldn’t move, I felt stuck. I felt like a claustrophobic person stuck in a casket (that was kind of extreme, but you get the point).
And im still stuck in that position. Its been three weeks since this feeling started, and I cant seem to shake it.
Im a self-harmer, if thats even a word. I use to use a sewing razor to slice my wrists. I would feel so full of different emotions and I would bottle them up. I saw the people around me struggling with their own problems, so I thought that if I were to talk about my problems, it would burden them with more things to worry about. So, to let everything out, I would harm myself. I haven’t felt the way I use to in a while. But the past week or so, I’ve felt like I was falling back into my 9th-grade self. And that scares me. 
This icky feeling is stuck on me. Im stuck. And I’m afraid.


Encouragement? Please?

Encouragement goes a long long way. It can save someones life.

I live with someone who does not encourage me. She discourages me. And it hasn’t been just one instance where she discourages me, its been multiple instances. For example, this time of the month is lent, and I chose to give up meat. I’ve done it before, I’ve been on a strict¬†pescatarian diet before, for a full year. And I enjoyed it, I ate less junk food and gave up meat, and I was healthy. But that obviously didn’t last long, with me being a Bangali-American and all, fried foods are everywhere. Its just, I like to have encouraging people around me. I think everyone does! It helps us get through the rough times in our lives.

Im the type of person that needs positivity in my living space. Ive been at the lowest of lows in my life. I had a great support system. I have an amazing family, and I had amazing friends at the time that loved me. I’m afraid that living with my friend who is so negative at times, can bring me back to that point. And that scares me. My friend and I have been there for each other at horrible times. I was there for her for everything. And she’s been there for me when I’ve had my moments. Im conflicted.

I don’t want to hurt her by asking to live by myself. I don’t want to hurt our friendship either, and I feel that if we continue to live together, i will eventually start resenting her for making me be so down on myself.

I cannot get to how I was before, I cannot let someone bring me down. I need to surround myself with people who truly love me and support everything I do, even if it doesn’t seem realistic at the moment!

I am also the type of person to take everything thats thrown at me, good and bad. I have a tendency to not put my foot down; look at where its got me. Im miserable. I would rather me suffer than other suffer, just because I don’t like seeing others suffer. Im selfless. But I think its time for me to be selfish for once.

I need to seriously reevaluate my life.